


What Would You Think of Me Now?

by Furuba_Fangirl



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Class Presentations, Gen, Pre-Canon, alana's pov, because of course, headcanons, sophomore year, we need to talk about these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 09:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15385953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furuba_Fangirl/pseuds/Furuba_Fangirl
Summary: Acquaintances: it’s a safe word for Alana.It’s a word used when there are no substantial expectations between the people involved.You know someone and that’s it. No strings attached-Or the time Alana and Connor got paired up for an English assignment





	What Would You Think of Me Now?

**Author's Note:**

> Here you go! An Alana centric one-shot (because I relate to her too much and I want to give her more depth as a character) :D This fic can definitely act as a stand alone. However, I'll probably integrate it into my main DEH story, "[ **Don't Lose Your Grip**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14630658)". Still I wanted to post this on the off chance that this part couldn't make the cut.
> 
> P.S. the title is inspired by Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World (which is one of my all time favorite songs). Okay I'll shut up. You can go read now!

Acquaintances: it’s a safe word for Alana.  

It’s a word used when there are no substantial expectations between the people involved.

You know someone and that’s it. No strings attached.

It _definitely_ isn’t as loaded of a word as “friend.” In her mind, using that word comes with a certain commitment. A commitment people are often unwilling to give her, which ultimately leads to disappointment.

So, yeah, acquaintances is what she opts for.

She’s had close calls. Moments where she allowed her heart to jump ahead of her head. Moments where that almost forbidden word passed her lips… Moments where she thought someone might notice if she fell through the cracks and perhaps even, dare she say… miss her.

Her greatest slip up was probably in the 10th grade…

 

“Okay, guys. Today, I’m gonna assign you guys into pairs for the upcoming class presentation,” announced Mrs. Levi.

There was a wave of groans and complaints throughout the classroom. Secretly, Alana was relieved that they were getting assigned partners. Then she could avoid that awkward scramble for a person that wasn’t grouped with their friends already.

“Now, now. Quit your whining. You might not get to pick your partner but I’m giving you a list of books you can choose from. So you guys get some creative liberty.” Despite the silent protests, the teacher continued. “Okay, after I finish calling all your names, you can go sit with your partners. Then I’ll hand out the reading list. You guys will have ‘til the end of the period to pick which book you would like to do.” As Mrs. Levi started naming pairs, Alana wondered who she’d get to work with. _Kevin T. would be a good match since he’s a straight A student too. Sabrina Patel might be fun to work with. Or perhaps—_

“Alana Beck you’ll be working with Connor Murphy.”

_Oh… Well, that’ll definitely be… interesting?_

Once Mrs. Levi finished assigning everyone, students began to pick up their bags and shuffled to their designated partner. Alana made her way toward the back of the class where Connor was laying his head on his desk, carelessly rolling his pencil around. Alana took the seat next to him and slapped on her biggest grin. “Hi, there!” Alana exclaimed cheerily.

This seemed to be enough to draw Connor’s attention away from his pencil as he lifted his head up to look at Alana. He pushed some short, shaggy locks out of his face revealing faint indented lines along his cheek from resting it on his sleeve.

“I’m Alana and it’s nice to meet you, Connor! Well, actually I guess it would be more accurate to say properly meet you since we’ve been in the same class this whole semester. Y’know it’s kind of funny that you spend so much time in one classroom together but never really get to know everyone in it. Anyways, I’m looking forward to working with you!” Alana said, concluding her spiel.

Connor stared back at her blankly. “Right…”

Alana got a copy of their reading list and started skimming through the options. “Hmm, well there is a lot to choose from. I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement.” Alana pulled out a piece of paper, titling it **_Pros and Cons_.** She adjusted her glasses a bit. "Now let’s see. _Grapes of Wrath_ might be interesting to do. There’s a lot of allusions to religion that we can touch on… For _Animal Farm_ we could also analyze the allegory of communism but it seems too obvious.” She tapped the pen on her lip as she thought. “Oh! Sorry, I should be asking you what you want to do.” She looked over at Connor who was folding up his copy of the list. “Connor?”

Connor simply hummed in acknowledgement, continuing to crease the paper into…a boat?

“Do you have any preferences on what we should read?” Alana tried.

“I trust your judgement,” he deadpanned, still not really paying attention to her.

 _Uh, okay? …I can work through this!_ “Well that’s certainly flattering but I would like to know your opinion. I mean, it is a team project so I wouldn’t want to impose my choice on you,” Alana explained with a smile, trying not to seem too nagging.

Connor sighs and puts his paper boat aside. “Sure. Whatever.”

“Great! Here lemme just…” She scoots her seat closer to him and Connor gives her a confused look. “We can go through the list together, seeing as yours is currently ready to set sail,” she quipped… Which didn’t get any real response but, oh well.

Alana read off the list to him and, well, Connor was still giving her minimalistic answers but she persisted. “Okay, while Daisy being a ‘total bitch’ isn’t a totally valid con, we can probably rule out _Great_ _Gatsby_. Hmm, what about _The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn?_ There are some good themes we can explore there?”

There was a subtle change in Connor’s demeanor. A slight quirk in his eyebrow that could have been easily overlooked but Alana saw it as a good sign. _That’s something new._ “Does that one interest you?” Alana asked.

She observed as he picked at the black polish on his nail. Connor shrugs. “I haven’t read it before but I’ve, um, read Tom Sawyer so I guess it shouldn’t be that different, right?”

“Right! Yeah, we can totally work with that!” _Okay, this is good. We’re making progress._ “I guess, it’s settled then!” Alana pulled out her phone and handed it to Connor. “Here, you can put in your number so we can decide when and where to meet up.”

Connor typed in his number silently and passed it back to her.

The bell rang and students started packing up. “Well, Connor, I’ll text you later so we can start as soon as possible. See ya!” She waved goodbye and Connor made a hand motion akin to a wave.

As Alana left the classroom, she couldn’t help but feel optimistic. _Connor seems to be on board so things should be just fine!_

 

 _Okay… I might have spoken too soon._ Alana sat in the school library alone… Which wasn’t too different from her regular routine but this time she had been waiting for Connor to show up. They had made plans to meet up during lunch and he was already a half hour late.

She had shot him a quick text to remind him but got nothing back. Alana sighed and looked at the copy of Huck Finn she had checked out for Connor (since she had her own eBook version). _Maybe he had an emergency?_ She didn’t want to think that he had completely blown her off. Alana tended to give people the benefit of the doubt but truthfully she didn’t know _what_ to expect from Connor. A lone wolf to some. A future “school shooter” to others. To Alana, he was just… curious.

She hadn’t moved to town yet when the whole “printer incident” had occurred. She had just heard second-hand accounts that probably had been distorted throughout the years so she didn’t find it fair to judge him based off that. Still, Connor seemed to be the definition of unpredictable. There were days he could blend into the background and days where he could scream up a storm if someone looked at him funny. Despite that, there was something endearing there… A boldness that Alana wish she had.

A boldness that did _not_ excuse him standing her up.

 

Connor was at least in English, so Alana decided to talk to him after class. She caught him out in the hall, keeping her composure to hide the irritation she felt. “Hey, Connor! Everything okay? You didn’t show up at the library.”

He peered over his shoulder, realizing someone was talking to him. As he turned to face her, Alana noticed that his eyes were unusually bloodshot. “The library?” he questioned.

 _Is he seriously asking?_ “Yeah. Remember we had agreed to meet up so that we could start on the project?”

Connor scratched his head. “Project…? Oh, right, right. The Fuck Finn thing. I was, uh, indisposed,” he giggled dryly, an impish smirk ghosting his lip.

“Indisposed…” Alana parroted. It finally clicked what he was implying. “O-oh. I see, um. Well, not a problem.” _That’s a lie. It is a_ big _problem._ “We still have time to work on it. How about we do this? We’ll each finish reading the book by this weekend and can meet up at one of our houses to discuss.”

“Whatever you say, Beck,” Connor responded dully.

Alana wasn’t a hundred percent sure that he was getting what she was saying but she continued. “Alright then. Do you want to meet up at your place—“

“No!” Connor interrupted quickly, surprising Alana. “It’s just— my parents are weird about having people over,” he defended, his shoulders tense.

Alana nods her head. “Okay, we can meet at my place then.” Connor seemed to relax at this. “I’ll text you my address and you can come by on Sunday.”

“Gotcha.”

“Oh! Before, I forget.” She plucks the book from her backpack. “I got you a copy from the library. Can’t really start if you don’t have the book, right?”

Connor stared at it and back at her. “…Thanks,” he mumbled, taking it from her. “I’ll see you this weekend then…”

He made his leave and Alana let out a sigh of frustration. _Unpredictable indeed…_

 

Sunday rolled around and despite Connor confirming he was coming, Alana was still weary. So when Connor showed up at her doorway, she was at least a little surprised. She happily ushered him inside and lead him to her room. “Sorry about the mess,” Alana apologized motioning to a few papers strewn on her desk.

“Mess?” Connor asked with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Shit, my room is a fucking catastrophe compared to yours,” he commented nonchalantly.

Alana wasn’t too sure if it was a compliment or a self-deprecating joke but she chuckled a little regardless. She noticed he was just standing there kinda rocking back on his heels, unsure what to do with himself. “You can sit on the bed if you want,” Alana instructed.

“Oh, right…” He made his way to the bed, putting his messenger bag on the foot of it. Alana observed as he sat on the very edge of the bed, almost like he didn’t want to make himself too comfortable. She wondered if Connor had ever been over someone else’s house before… Truthfully, nobody really frequented her house (for her anyway) either so the situation felt unfamiliar to her as well.

Connor shifted uncomfortably under Alana’s gaze. “What?” he asked a bit defensively.

 _Oh, I’m staring_. “S-sorry! We should get started,” she said a bit flustered. Alana grabbed her laptop and sat down next to him. “So I thought we could compare notes and then make a list of things we agree on. That should definitely narrow down the themes we want to focus on in the presentation.”

“Fine.” Connor rummaged through his bag and pulled out his book.

As he flipped through the pages, Alana went a little wide-eyed when she saw his copy annotated with sticky notes. It even seemed to be color coordinated. “Woah.”

“Sorry, if it’s not the type of notes you were expecting. It’s just easier for me to do it this way,” he explained self-consciously.

“No, no! They’re great! Really,” Alana reassured genuinely.

“Hmm, if you say so,” he shrugged.

They spent the afternoon looking through their notes together as Alana typed out an outline for their report. Much to Alana’s surprise, they had similar interpretations of the book which made things easy.

“All I’m saying is it wouldn’t hurt to put a slide talking about how much of an asshole Pap is,” Connor pitched.

“I agree that we could talk about Pap’s abusive behavior. Although I don’t think it would be acceptable to refer to him as an ‘asshole.’”

“Damn, and here I was going to call Huck Finn, Fuck Finn during the presentation.” Alana must’ve made a mortified expression because Connor quickly added, “I’m kidding…”

“Right, I knew that.” She really didn’t.

There was a light knock on the door before Alana’s mom opened up the door slightly. “Hey, how’s it going in here?” she chirped.

“Everything’s fine, Mom.”

“That’s great, Bug,” she smiled. “Anyways, I just wanted let you guys know that dinner is going to be ready soon.” She turns her attention to Connor. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”

“Um, I actually should get going. Thanks for the offer though, Mrs. Beck.”

“Are you sure? It’d be no trouble having you over,” she insisted.

"It's fine, really."

"Alrighty then. You’re welcome to join us whenever,” she offered joyfully.

After she left the room, Connor got his stuff together. “See you later.”

“Definitely! I’ll walk you out.”

As they made their way out of the house, Connor paused at the porch. “What’s up? Did you forget something?” Alana asked.

“Listen, Beck,” he huffed, running his fingers through his hair. “About the other day… Me flaking out on you was a pretty dick move.”

 _Huh._ “Well, there’s no point in worrying about that now. Besides, you made it today and we got a lot of work done! We might actually get the project done early!”

He picked at a loose thread on his sweatshirt, not meeting her eyes. “Still… that’s no excuse... So, sorry,” he murmured, almost inaudibly. But Alana heard.

She smiled at him fondly. “Apology accepted… Goodbye, Connor.”

Connor gave her a wave goodbye… It could have been a trick of the light, but she could have sworn she saw a light blush dusting his cheeks.

_Curiouser and curiouser_

 

They spent the rest of the week finishing up their presentation and honestly it didn’t feel like work. Connor and Alana had even gotten debate whether _Tom Sawyer_ was better than _Huck Finn_. “Oh please, Beck, the thing that basically saves this book is Tom showing up at the end.”

“Well, there’s a reason most schools choose _Huck Finn_ over time _Tom Sawyer_. It definitely has more academic merit due to its more progressive view on slavery… What are you doing?” she questioned, as she watched Connor making a clicking motion towards her.

“I’m turning your volume down,” he answered blankly. “That makes your argument irrelevant.”

She blinked at him, but she gave him a little smirk. _Two can play this game_. Alana went along and mimed her argument instead.

That made Connor huff out a laugh; a small but real one. He shook his head at her. “Well, I can’t argue with that. You make some fascinating points,” he joked.

He turned up her volume and she finally let out a giggle.

Connor looked at the time. “It’s getting late, I should probably head home.”

“Oh, come on, Connor. You can stay for dinner you know. And I can get my dad to drop you off if you don’t want to get home late.”

“No, it’s not that it’s just… You guys really wouldn’t want me there,” he muttered.

That comment made Alana’s stomach sink a bit but she perked up quickly for his sake. “I mean if anything you’ll have to deal with _us_. My little brother will definitely find some way to embarrass me. Same goes for my mom and dad.” Connor still seemed unconvinced, as he spun slowly in Alana’s desk chair. She halted him for a second and he tilted his head at her. “Trust me, you’ll be fine! Come on and stay! Mom’s ordering pizza,” she sung.

Connor stared back at her and Alana thought he was going to turn her down again. He sighed, “Fine. Pizza beats the quinoa and kale chips my mom said she was gonna make.”

Alana beamed, “Great!”

Connor didn’t say much during dinner but the Becks had enough energy to hold a conversation. Mrs. Beck told him about how Alana wanted to be an entomologist when she was little, hence her nickname “Bug.” That was until her little brother, Aiden, decided to give her a jar of cockroaches for her birthday one year. Alana was hiding her face in embarrassment through the whole story.

Alana looked like she was going to eviscerate Aiden when he asked Connor why he painted his nails. Fortunately, Connor wasn’t offended by his question. “Looks cool and it annoys my dad,” he answered matter-of-factly.

Throughout the whole meal, Alana wondered if this is what having a friend was like. A _real_ friend not a just an acquaintance… If it was… she hoped that it would last longer.

Spoiler alert… it didn’t.

 

Connor and Alana got through their presentation, surprisingly well. Alana was nervous, Connor even more so, but she had enough superficial confidence for both of them. Connor managed to slip in a “Fuck Finn” into the presentation without the teacher noticing but it lightened the mood for both of them and things flowed easier from there. Although, Alana lightly reprimanded him for it after class.

Connor shrugged, a devious tone defeating his serious expression. “Slip of the tongue.”

She couldn’t even be mad at him.

Things were fine. More than fine really… Until they weren’t.

 

Connor wasn’t at school when their grade was posted. They got an A. After school Alana texted Connor the good news and she even got up the nerve to ask him to go to the movies as a celebration… He didn’t text back.

In fact, Connor was gone for the next few days. She kept texting him to see if he was okay but she never got an answer from him. Alana also considered asking Connor’s sister, Zoe. She didn’t know her but sometimes saw them come into school together. Alana didn’t even get the chance to ask though since Connor did eventually return.

She tried to find him during lunch but no such luck either. He basically bolted out of English class without as much as a glance toward her.

Alana finally managed to intercept him at his locker after school. “Hi!” she greeted.

“…Hey,” he responded tiredly.

“Are you okay? You were gone for a while. I was worried.”

“I’m fine,” he deadpanned, fidgeting with his messenger bag.

“You sure?” Alana pressed, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. “Y'know, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here!”

Connor stayed silent. “Thanks but no thanks…” he replied stoically. He maneuvered past Alana.

“Connor?” She followed him down the hall. “What’s wrong? Wait, hold on a sec.” She reached out to grab his wrist but he flinched away from her touch.

“Will you stop?” he hissed, startling Alana. “Look, I don’t need your help. And _you_ don’t have to worry about the school freak. Just… worry about yourself and leave me alone.”

“But... I thought—“

“Connor!” someone called out. Alana turned around to see a girl with French braids frowning at them. She recognized her as Zoe Murphy. “Mom’s waiting for us outside.”

“I know, I know.” Without another word, Connor started walking away, leaving Zoe and Alana behind.

“Hey,” Zoe turned to Alana. “I’m sorry about him…”

“It’s—It’s fine.” It really wasn’t.

Zoe didn’t seem to buy it either. “I’m sorry either way.” She gave her a shy wave before leaving.

With that Alana was left standing there stunned… and alone.

 

Alana poked at her food at dinner. “Hey, Bug, what’s wrong?” inquired Mrs. Beck.

“Hmm, oh, nothing. Just… a long day,” she answered curtly.

“Are you sure?” asked her dad worriedly.

“Mhm,” she hummed.

“Alright then…” her mom said wearily. Seeing that her daughter was still upset, she kindly suggested, “Say, why don’t you ask Connor to come to dinner again. It’d be nice to have him over one of these days.”

While her mother’s intention was good Alana’s heart wrenched in her chest.

“Yeah, your boyfriend will cheer you right up,” Aiden teased.

“Aiden,” scolded Mr. Beck.

Alana rolled her eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend, Aiden. He’s not even my friend,” she murmured.

“What do you mean, Bug?”

“I mean, we’re just acquaintances… We were partners for a presentation, that’s it…”

Yep, just acquaintances…

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I live for your feedback <3


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